Tories Declare “It’s Not Fair!” as Local Government Reform Vote Sparks Playground Politics
Tonight’s “extraordinary” meeting of Peterborough City Council lived up to its billing not for any reform, but for the full-throttle regression of elected adults into procedural pre-teens. The agenda: Local Government Reform. The mood: Year 9 drama class meets broken vending machine.
As councillors gathered to vote on the future of civic structure, the Conservative group staged a bold new form of democratic expression: the tantrum abstention. Not content with voting For, Against, or even Abstain, they pioneered a fourth category “We’re not voting because everyone’s mean and we wanted Option A but you picked Option D and now we’re sad.”
Instead of engaging with the motion, Tory members reportedly crossed their arms, pouted, and muttered phrases like:
• “You always pick on us.”
• “We’re not playing anymore.”
• “Option D is stupid and smells.”
One councillor was seen dramatically sliding down their chair like a deflated beanbag, whispering “It’s so unfair” while clutching a procedural handbook like a teddy bear.
When pressed to vote, the group refused to select Yes, No, or Abstain, instead demanding a bespoke category: “No Vote Because Feelings.” Unfortunately, council procedure being designed for adults does not recognise emotional vetoes or sulky silence as valid democratic input.
The Mayor, valiantly trying to maintain order, offered tissues and a reminder that “this is a statutory meeting, not a sleepover.” The Tory whip responded by threatening to “tell mum.”
At the heart of the meltdown was the council’s preference for Option D a reform model that apparently doesn’t include a bouncy castle or unlimited executive powers. The Tories, having campaigned for Option A (which may or may not involve a moat and drawbridge), declared the vote illegitimate on the grounds that “everyone hates us and it’s not even our birthday.”
One councillor attempted to filibuster by reading aloud their diary entry from last week, which included the line: “I just wish people understood how hard it is being right all the time.”
Tonight’s meeting may not have delivered reform, but it did deliver innovation. The Tory bloc’s refusal to vote or abstain has now been dubbed the “Peterborough Stomp” a new parliamentary manoeuvre involving:
• Refusing to engage
• Demanding sympathy
• Blaming everyone else
• And ultimately achieving nothing
Final Score
• Reform Motion: Passed
• Tory Dignity: Misplaced
• Public Confidence: Currently being held hostage in the cloakroom
