The grand promise: £1.2 million over two years to deliver “free parking” across Peterborough and Huntingdon. The grand reality: Peterborough alone collects £3.4 million every single year from parking charges. That’s like promising to replace the River Nene with a paddling pool and a garden hose.
Naturally, the scheme requires imagination. And imagination is plentiful.
Take the alphabet slots. Free parking will be available between 2:00 and 2:15 pm, but only on days of the week that don’t contain the letter “Y.” Monday, Tuesday and Friday are out. Wednesda, Saturda and Sunda are in. Thursdaaa is currently being debated by the council’s Scrabble committee.
Then there’s the lunar fairness scheme. Every third full moon, a different car park will offer twenty minutes of free parking at lunchtime. Shoppers are advised to bring telescopes, tide tables, and possibly a druid to interpret the rules.
And when the budget still doesn’t balance, the council will unleash the rickshaw corps. Council officers, when not busy “re‑profiling” spreadsheets, will pedal residents from car parks to coffee shops. Reduced rates apply if the officer is simultaneously drafting a pothole report. Picture a convoy of rickshaws, each emblazoned with the council crest, wobbling down Bridge Street while passengers clutch cappuccinos and council tax bills.
Of course, Ely has free parking, but Ely’s car parks are smaller, its budget less terrifying, and its residents less likely to demand lunar‑aligned cappuccino breaks. Copying Ely’s model into Peterborough is like assuming you can run Heathrow Airport with a couple of kites and a wheelbarrow.
The numbers don’t add up. £1.2 million over two years won’t offset £6.8 million in lost revenue, especially when Huntingdon wants its slice. But perhaps that’s the genius. If you can’t deliver free parking, at least deliver free entertainment. And in that respect, the promise has already paid off: a Monty Python sketch masquerading as transport policy.
